Caught in the Matrix: Hook Up Central vs. The Real World

Hello People,

           In today's installation of D. Layne in perspective I'd like to talk to you all about a phenomenon that is rampant in today’s young culture and finds a way to creep into our adult lives. The Hook Up.  You will find nothing here in regards to Percy Miller (Masta P) and there will be no holla’s if you hear me. What I am referring to is in regards to somewhat of a more sensitive nature. However, the proverbial rabbit hole goes deeper than that, if we are willing to open our eyes just a bit. The Hook-Up Culture is something that has been sweeping our college culture nation for the last decade and I’m sure the decade prior to. Before that was the 70’s and you know how they got down. Before that, the hippies and so on. However, let’s turn the lens back to our generation.

     Back in undergrad, friends and I used refer to this 'hook-up culture' as being caught in the matrix, in reference to the pop-culture mega movie. In this movie Laurence Fishburne, my favorite actor, was named Morpheus.

           Morpheus, in Greek mythology, was the Son of Sleep or the god of Dreams. For those of you who haven't seen the Matrix, it was Morpheus' charge to awaken the people from the tech-infused slumber. I think my friends and I figured it was our charge to recognize when we were caught in a sex-infused slumber, as most college kids are when out and about. We referred to those crazy nights, where the unimaginable happened, as being "Caught in The Matrix" or living in an unreal world of rash and unrealistic decisions, and sexual exploration. I've physically witnessed men and women go out on the town and say to themselves or friends not "I wonder who I'll meet while I'm out tonight", instead they say "I wonder who I'll hook up with tonight." It really is a warped sense of reality. While talking to a friend of mine about this topic, they mentioned that it may be the false sense of security inside the bubble that is their college campus that causes young adults to feel  as though it's alright to make these decisions.

          While not everyone partakes in the so-called 'hook-up culture' It is a major concern for today's student while figuring things out for themselves. Here, we are forced to take a hard peek at the implication regarding the ideals of chivalry and how those ideals, for men and women, are affected later on in life by this culture. Is The Matrix or The Hook-up Culture conditioning men to be less chivalrous in dating situations later in life? Is this culture responsible for the lessened expectations of men that women hold down the proverbial line? These are serious possibilities of correlation. There may actually be the effect of a loss of chivalric tendencies over time or at the very least the ideal of chivalry amongst men and women.

          Which brings us to the age old question: Is chivarly dead? I don't believe it so, but then again I write a blog on relationships, so I think about all of this quite often. I open doors for a woman because I was raised that way, not because I'm trying to impress a woman.  I do it because it's the right thing to do. These are intrinsic values that were instilled in me by independent women. There is an interesting dichotomy at play here. Today I find that some women fight against the grain of chivalry, not only because of the 'Independent Woman' phenomenon, where a woman acts as though she doesn't want or need anything from a man (Thanks Destiny's Child...and yes some women take this to the EXTREME, just as some men take their manly pride to the extreme, to which I am at fault sometimes), but also because they don't want to seem too high maintenance to a man. There seems to be two feet in two separate pots here, once again interesting dichotomy.  One foot where a woman wants a man to be as chivalrous as possible, and one where women say 'I don't need a man to do that for me...but it would be nice". Oxymoronic even, sort of like a tall midget.  We should all stop to ask ourselves, are these factors an amalgamation of expectations of the opposite sex? Expectations of gender roles of what a man and woman should or shouldn't do. I say chivalry is alive and well, you just need to find the right gentleman.

          This transition from Hook-up Central to the Real World (Not MTV's, which is ironic because that's all they do is hook up on the show) seems to be a rough one for many folks in the dating world, but why? Are the social electronic constructs of the future making it easier or harder to date?  Texting is taking the place of calling, poking is taking the place of flirting, and if you meet someone out at a bar or club, as opposed to taking their number, you find them on FACEBOOK! Everyone has a hard line into a social network, and this definitely helps broaden the spectrum for daters but may be adding on to the death of chivalry through the ease of meeting people and the loss of touch that we endure. Online dating is at it's all time high.  Dating in the real world is tedious and not to mention costly, it's strenuous and difficult, but not impossible. As one of the "good-guys", this is mostly because a ton of women are trained to think all of the good ones are taken or homosexual, it is hard to find a woman who will take you seriously once you approach them. So you find yourself looking for substance in social settings where you most likely won't find it. I tend to see a huge drop in sexual activity among men and women after they walk across the stage, and I think it has to do with more than just growing up and out of that 'phase'. I really do believe that people become lazy due to how easy things are for some folks in college. The age old adage says it best, 'Why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free?' Once people are conditioned to think this way, it's hard to break this habit until common sense and maturity breaks through.  
          I believe it's important for us as people to reflect on the decisions we make in these "think tank" situations such as college and the hook-up culture and also recognize if and when it affects us in the long term.  As long as we learn from the situations that we encounter along the way, the future is still bright. Live in the moment, but learn from the moment. It's all about the lesson people. Red or blue pill...That's my persepctive, and I'm sticking to it. 

Either she's the one or I'm caught in The Matrix

But fuck it let the Fish-Burne

Red or Green Pill: You Live and You Learn, C'Mon 

-Jay-Z-

Sidenote - The other pill was blue in the movie. =)

Cheating vs. The Affair?

Cheating vs. The Affair: What's So Different??

     Hello Lovers, today I plan to tackle a more racy, incendiary, most sticky - no pun intended, and often elusive topic...Infidelity.I would like to pose the question - when does cheating become an affair? Is there a difference and does this difference even matter? Some would say no, I would beg to differ.  The difference between the two is a very fine line and they may both sting the same, however they may sting in different ways to different genders. Different strokes for different folks, right? Once again, no pun intended. Let's dig into this.  

     I mentioned gender earlier with a purpose.  Let's explore the possibilities. The Emotional vs The Physical. There have been several studies in the past that have suggested that men see infidelity in a relationship as more of a physical object, if it were tangible, and women would feel it as more emotional.  This theory suggests that if a woman cheated on a man, the first thing he would ask her is "Did you have sex with him?" and or ask and think mostly about the physical aspects of the cheating act.  While women on the other hand think more so geared towards the emotional aspect of the act or acts of infidelity.Women may often think or feel more of the "Is he thinking about her when we're together, when we're at dinner, when we're cuddling?"  While these implications are largely sweeping, they very well may be valid.

Other schools of thought would argue that men are hard-coded through genetics to cheat. Some of you may read this and say WTF?, but think about it for a minute.  Men produce millions upon millions of sperm a day. What other reason for nature to make this possible other than for man to spread his seed. I'm not saying that I agree with this, I'm just putting the idea out to the public. Possible? I can't answer that, you'll have to do some research on your own.While reading an interesting article the other day they suggested that monogamy is a foreign idea altogether to Homo Sapien.  That as a species, we were originally gatherers and sharers, including sexual partners and even children. Maybe this is where the phrase 'It takes a village to raise a child' comes from. The article went on to read that it wasn't until about 10,000 years ago when Human beings actually gained a sense of private property through agriculture and land, did we bring monogamy into the fold. The question lies, are we fighting against the grain of our DNA? Interesting concept.

However, the true reason we are here is to discuss the difference between cheating and a full blown affair. Is there a difference? Does is matter? If it does, should it matter? Let's dig a bit. Cheating...is technically to be unfaithful, in the sexual sense, with another person. While an affair on the other hand would be defined as a romantic or passionate attachment typically of limited duration. So...if the difference is only time, does it really matter or do we stick to the lineage that cheating can be an affair but an affair can never be just a cheat. Some people say that it doesn't matter and they carry the motto of  "once a cheat, always a cheat", which may be true. However, how do we explain the countless number of people that stick in those situations no matter how unhealthy, or insane those situations may be? Just more food for thought.  

In my opinion, in the end. It really doesn't matter.  Whether it's once or a hundred times, with one person or a hundred with different people. It really is all relative.  And I say this because once we cross that line into infidelity, a certain piece of that relationship is broken and is pretty much irreparable. I figure that it all comes down to one thing. Trust. The infallible anchor. Trust may be the single most important factor in a relationship besides communication.  However, It is more than just trusting your significant other with your heart.  Trust is actually taking the onus off of them and putting it on yourself. Trusting yourself to be alright with them living their life the way they would like to live it.  Whether that be righteous or not, is on them. I have a certain mantra that we only deal with and put ourselves through what we want to endure. If you don't wish to deal with the bullshit antics of a cheating spouse, then you don't have to.  Pull out the fishing pole and grab another Guppie.  I believe that once this trust is broken, not only can it almost never be repaired, but sometimes it's healthier to actually leave the relationship than to wallow in that repair. If there are children involved, then of course, this is a bit more difficult, but not impossible. Oft times we are so angered by the hurt that is inflicted upon us by this breach of trust, that we decide to swim in that anger and it consumes us. That anger may actually manifests itself in the deepest, darkest places of our minds and may rear it's head where we least expect it. You may be having a debate about cheese with you S.O. that somehow turns into a full blown argument.  I exaggerate here, but we see this time and time again where couples end up fighting about issues that had nothing to do with the original disagreement.  Still and all the onus is on us.  No pun intended. That's my perspective, and I'm sticking to it.

Sincerely,
       D. Layne

For Argument's Sake??

For Argument's Sake??

          The Argument. An oral disagreement, a verbal opposition, a contention, sometimes an altercation. A process of reasoning or a series of reasons. A discussion involving differing points of view, a debate. An art form all it's own. Anyone who's been in a "serious" relationship, and those of us that haven't, have probably experienced this situation. However, oft times, the lines are so pungently blurred that the disagreement becomes a fight, the reasonable becomes unreasonable, those differing points become needles that you can't bear, and the debate becomes an all out war.

         

     Sometimes, in order to further distance ourselves from that face to face argument, we like to have these spats electronically, which usually turns out to be an awful idea.  Hiding feelings behind technology is not really the correct way to go, and we've all experienced it.  The e-War: Text, Chat, Social Network argument, all equally terrible ways that we as lovers get sucked into electronic arguments. This is usually because, as communicators, most people aren't that great of writers. Let's think, for a second, about how much gets lost in translation during normal text messages with friends, siblings, sometimes parents, and or lovers. Now take that and multiply it by all the raging emotions going on during an argument and we're bound see some confusion-like technological sparks fly. However,  People lose enough during the conversations that happen in person, the last thing we need is another conversation barrier.

     The Upper Hand. The Last Word. The Compromise. The Resolution. During times of duress in a relationship, we may need to question ourselves and those that we are in a relationship with, almost as if it is a system of self checks and balances. Here we should all remember that eloquent phrase 'Check yourself before you wreck yourself." What really matters here? Is the argument taking a turn for the worst and can you see it, are you trying to see it? What do you take away from the situation? We as lovers should try to interject with our inner selves and ask these questions, even during the argument.  I often find that the answers to these end in love. I'm not saying that all arguments are bad, that would be a farce. However, we should all take into account how we come across in that argument and attempt to become students of the best and most healthy practices , sans manipulation and patronization, that get our point across to our partners.  For instance, talking at her vs. talking to her. The line between the two is extremely thin and we should tread carefully here. Oft times 'how' you speak to your significant other can be just as important as 'what' you are talking about.  If you come off the wrong way to start, your point will never reach it's target. Body language and Mental cues are also largely important when conversing about a sensitive topic in a relationship. Stay current, if the argument gets bad enough, extraneous factors often seep their way into reasoning and you or your lover begin to argue about things that have nothing to do with the current situation. This can be extremely bad and most times makes things much more complicated than they need to be. 

      

     The questions remain, how do you know? When your significant other has become the focal point of a terrible existence to you? When is enough, enough?  How do we navigate this? So...how do you know?  We will take into account the Symbiont vs. Parasite factor. I feel as though a relationship should be symbiotic in a sense. German mycologist Heinrich Anton de Bary would have defined this Symbiosis as "the living together of unlike organisms". I believe this speaks directly to the Mars vs. Venus phenomenon, where men and women seem like we are sometimes from different planets or a different species altogether. This...situation we have between lovers, is a delicate balance to work with. The recognition of when that balance becomes unhealthy is extremely important to self preservation of mind, body and soul. It is not only important for one person in the relationship to realize this, it is important for both parties involved to recognize the downward spiral and to pull out of it together. If this cannot be accomplished together in a healthy, and I stress *healthy*, manner and/or the other party does not take part in the recognition of when the arguments become too much, or about things that are completely irrelevant to the current situation, then the situation becomes parasitic. We as lovers can recognize the parasitic and the symbiotic relationship in terms of energy or life force. Your significant other should add to your energy, if not balance you out when you're too high or too low.  However, if you are getting the sense that your significant other is sucking that life force out of you like a parasitic tick, then it may be time to either seek relationship help, or explore other options, and I do not mean cheating on your spouse.  That would only make matters more complicated.

          

     Lovers I shall leave you with one of my favorite quotes from Fr. Pedro Arrupe, SJ. "Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything." The only piece that I'd add is to question yourself along the way, keep yourself in check, before your love decides your fate for you. That is my perspective lovers, and I'm sticking to it. 

Love, 

     D. Layne

The One Hitter Quitter

The One Hitter Quitter

  
     Selfish. The Webster's dictionary defines this term as such: "concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others, or arising from concern with one's own welfare or advantage in disregard of others.  Today I'd like to take a look at one of the most devastating and awful pieces of a relationship.  The selfish lover.  Women have been victims of this terrible person for years.  Or so it seemed to be the usual stereotype that Men were out to "get theirs" and then just roll off and go to sleep. This awful heathen of a person has terrorized relationships all over the world. However, lately it seems that the tables may have been turned. Women may have taken on this role and donned the mask of that very person.

     LOVERS!!! WAKE UP! There seems to be a new epidemic that may be sweeping across relationships and dating fields across America. The phenomenon known as the One Hitter Quitter also known as the O.H.Q. would be where a woman has one orgasm and is completely finished with the whole ordeal.  This is where people need to begin classes in Gravity Lessons.  Being selfish in this situation is terrible for many reasons, some of which are obvious and some that are more internal.  Let us explore the more internal factors.

I. If you are in a serious relationship with this person, there could be major mental anguish going on inside the mind of your lover.  This anguish, if you lover isn't very strong within their own sense of self, could lead to larger issues of self esteem, self worth, self validation (which can be extremely important) and even body issues.  More so, issues in the bedroom that aren't communicated can definitely spill into other aspects of your relationship.  Sooner or later the question of "Did you pick up the dry cleaning?" quickly becomes "OMG, you forget EVERYTHING!"  Cue your large blowout argument here, when in reality...The dry cleaning has nothing to do with the issue. Be wary.

II.  The Deal Breaker. If you are dating casually, this could be and most times is...the deal breaker.  Usually in this type of situation the victim calls the whole thing off, if they're smart.  If you ever encounter a selfish lover, do not, I repeat Do NOT, try to change them. Oft times if they are selfish in bed, they are selfish in other aspects of their life.  However this is not always the case, as I will explain later.

III. The uber-casual a.k.a. The one-nighter.  In this case, if you have a terrible experience with an O.H.Q., I'd sya to give it one more shot.  That person may have had an off night or a bad outing.  However, if this happens again...

It's time to pack up your things and take the walk of shame. That is not a situation that you should put yourself in and you should get out while you still can with as least drama as possible. Don't return texts, don't return calls, and if they persist - get a restraining order for you and your genitalia.



How does this person come about to be a selfish lover?  This can happen is many ways, however with women I've seen that it's usually the result of terrible emotional damage and/or terrible sexual experiences.   Sometimes a woman can be a very giving, nurturing, decent human being, but if they have had the wrong sexual experiences in the past.  You could fall prey.

Has the table turned? Are women thinking more like men used to and are men so concerned with pleasing their partner these days that they are now the ones being left out to dry? This could be possible, but we must keep in mind to never fish with a net.  Every person is different mentally, emotionally, and sexually. So before you take this blog and run with it, remember lovers that everyone goes through different things.  The question you should pose to yourself is : Is it worth staying around to heal wounds and brave the nuclear winter that follows the argument about terrible sex.  For those that have issues in your relationship with this, see a sex therapist or a relationship counselor.  Chances are there is more at play than just the physical. All others casual and uber-casual, get out while you still can.  You shouldn't have to fix a broken toy before you play with it.

Once again lovers, thanks for reading.

I'm D. Layne, that's my perspective and I'm sticking to it.  

The Factor

The Factor

Hello Lovers,
      After an unanticipated hiatus, I come back to you baring thought in hand, raw and free, serene and calm. Today I'd like to tackle the issue of the factor.  Some may call it the "spark". Some may refer to it as the wow factor. What would the x-factor in relationships be defined as? To each their own some would say. However lovers, in my opinion it is the ever elusive quality, the cohesive natural, the formidable magnetism that keeps a relationship fresh. The very essence that gets you to that relationship point, the thing that gets you the bright shiny title of boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife. And it is shiny and coveted by most, shunned by others depending on their relationship background.
    
      So what happens when we lose that? How does that fire die? How do we realize it? Is it less sex, less emotion, less drama.  The answers may be different for some, however we all realize that it's gone when it's gone. This phenomenon has been experienced by many a couple. It always seems to come at the wrong time. Do we lose confidence in ourselves? This often happens when one may get out of shape, or may happen if the significant other gets INTO shape, as moronic as that sounds. How do we combat this as lovers? First step would be realization, the complete opposite of denial.  However hard it may be to do, it's usually a good idea to look at yourself as to why you aren't happy.  It can't be another person's job to make you that way, although it may seem that way sometimes. There is no simple answer to this...However, I believe that love and that spark is rooted in individuality. For more reasons than one.  We must love ourselves before we can ever love another.  This is as cliche as you wish to make it, but that doesn't make it less the truth, and there are no versions of the truth.  We must rage against the machine, rage against the dying of the light.  Never lose the essence of who you are, for it is whom your lover fell for in the first place. Individuality is the key.  We came into this world alone and we shall leave it that way. The choice is yours. That's my perspective, and I'm sticking to it. Until next time lovers.

D. Layne

Follow the Leader: Who Takes the Forefront in the Relationship?

Hello Lovers,
It has been some time since I hit you guys with a blast from D. Layne In Perspective. The topic that I shall tackle today deals with the question that burns in the mind of every lover, friend, homie, sibling, and parent. The inspiration for this was spawned by this quote from Anais Nin sent to me by a friend earlier this day. "I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding."

While I found this extremely interesting that a woman/person could speak of submission to another with such strength. It dawned on me that this type of submission in a relationship is rather frowned upon in our society today, for men or women to embrace. And I, just as most of you have been trained by society to believe that we are strongest while standing alone. We as lovers are forced into this ideology of singularity as the only form of power. From a feminists perspective, this is understandable due to the relationship follies of a patriarchal society construct that the American culture sells to us. The ideals of feminism has had to fight for the right to claim space in other arenas besides motherhood and a gatherer.

I assume that today we live in a culture that has turned or forced our women into being hunters, almost more than men are. And or fighting for survival...It seems today that the idea of submission to love or sex in our society is Taboo, for either gender. So ask yourselves lovers...Who wears the pants in your relationship, or should I say who wears the skirt? And is it so wrong to accept our own gender roles inside of relationships. Is it wrong for us to accept opposite gender roles to alleviate the pressures on our spouse that are imposed upon us from society.

I believe that we should be able to fully embrace being a man or woman in the relationship, however be flexible enough to take on, as well as, accept the opposite gender roles as needed for the good of our relationship. To be amorphous, if you will. To be water, as Bruce Lee would have so eloquently put it.

"Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow or it can crash. Be water my friend."

What we as lovers should take from this is that we don't at all times need to adhere to our gender roles as Manly Men or Demure Women. Be whatever it is that your significant other needs at the time, and trust them to do the same when you need it. Trust me, you will need it.Be water lovers...Be water. That's my perspective, and I'm sticking to it.


~D. Layne~

Are Social Netwroks Killing Relationships?

Okay lovers,
So it's been a long time, I shouldn't have left you...without a dope...You get the picture. Hope all is well with life, love, and the pursuit of free choice out there. My apologies for that, however I had some business to deal with before I could get back to you all.

As Steve Harvey would say, WELP...NOW THAT WE GOT THAT OUT THE WAY.

Today, I'd like to tackle the effects of Social Networks on Relationships. This topic seems to be a phenomenon of our generation. Is there a loss of the brick and mortar of relationships lost through social networking schemes, or has social networks helped people that are less outgoing to feel out the rest of the world without the fear of dying a humiliating and defeating death of rejection in the real world?

For ages, we've heard the old addage that Chivalry is Dead, yet we don't know who killed it. I'm almost certain that the information superhighway has had a hand in chivalry's demise. For almost more than a decade it has been immensely easier for men and women to contact each other through; text, chirp, IM, email, etc. This broadens the playing field to no end. How many of you lovers out there have had a text-war, email scrap, or and IM-battle? I know I have, and most times have not come away unscatched. Indeed, the pen is mightier than the sword. Might I add that most times messages are misinterpreted due to the loss of non-verbal cues. However, once things are said and done, or typed and done, the damage is already laid out.

I believe the surge of social networks has lead to the loss of several important factors that are key to the survival of a relationship. For instance, the courting process has been thrown off by the succession of e-relationships. Lovers, you will be hard pressed to find another person that will stick to the old Jedi ways of the courting process; formally asking a person out on a date, flowers, cards, candy. Courting in this age of social netwroking is truly a lost art and has been reduced to; friending, poking, tweeting, retweeting, etc. There is a certain loss of human interaction. That...is for sure.

There is also level as to which we manage our relationships through these social networking worlds. One can update the entire world on the status of their relationship; married to..., engaged to..., in a relationship with..., it's complicated..., etc. On one hand people can use this to blast to the public, to our people, to whomever, that we are what we are. Though if used in a negative manner, this status can be devastating to a relationship. We have all been witness to such events, if not victims to it in this day and age.

I always find it fascinating how users of the social network may use this relationship management as a tool to mainipualte, breakup, etc. Status messages, which is the entire premise of Twitter, yet only a piece of other networks, are often a way for people to blurt out feelings, often being validated by their peers. These too can be used to build or destroy relationships, as people often use them for negative business.

I also often wonder if the psychological concept of "poking" on Facebook was a derivative of 4th grade hitting in small children to show that they like someone. This gives us a feasible way to flirt with those we are interested in without giving too much of ourselves. Here we have a non-verbal sense of attraction that can be pushed across the table without ever having to touch another human being. I find this most interesting because all tactile learning from human interest to human interest is lost.

However, all is not lost, we can rage against the machine, literally. The next time you think to text that love interest, call them. As opposed to sending a message to ask how they are doing, ask them to meet up for coffee and ask them in person. There is no flash-to-bang thoery here, and no transformative process that can be attained through lessening human contact. Trust me on this one. Chivalry will rise from it grave, oh yes. And when it does, Cupid will be locked and loaded for us all.

So lovers out there, before your next status message, your next tweet, or your next IM...Think of what it may be doing to your relationshipwith that person. Maybe the phone company had it right all along. Reach out and touch someone.

Until next time,
Find the Love.

D. Layne